Support, Healing, and Ceremony/Ritual

One of the most painful of all human experiences is the death or loss of somebody we love. How we experience loss is very individual. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It is an immensely painful process.

In the words of CS Lewis following the death of his wife: ‘Nobody ever told me grief felt so much like fear’.

The pain of physical loss is acute, and it takes time to grow around and incorporate the death of a person we love into one’s day-to-day life.

Contemporary grief research underpins my work in grief counselling. As well as utilizing a compassion focused approach my work is also underpinned by the humanistic approach developed by Carl Rogers.

Despite the old belief that we all grieve in the well known 5 stages of; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – current research has helped us to see grief does not follow that prescribed format. Instead contemporary research has come up with new understandings of how we as human beings experience our individual grief response.

The following is a brief outline of some of the more modern understandings of grief;

1. The Dual Process model of coping with bereavement developed by Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut refers to two stages of grief coping, that oscillate over and back, between a combination of, accepting and confronting the loss.
Inherent within this practice model is the idea of ‘dosing’ grief to allow the grieving person ‘time out’ from the felt experience of grief work.

2. Psychologist J. W. Worden created a stage-based model for coping with the death of a loved one. He divided the bereavement process into four tasks:

• To accept the reality of the loss
• To work through the pain of grief
• To adjust to life without the deceased
• To maintain a connection to the deceased while moving on with life

3. Continuing Bonds, a grief theory developed by Dennis Klass, came to the forefront of my work in perinatal loss.

This ongoing bond and connection that parents have with their deceased baby was for far too long denied in western culture and society. Parents have a bond with their deceased baby in spirit, that exists beyond time and space. In placing emphasis on that bond through the development of care practices such as memory making and legacy work, bereaved parents are supported to grieve the immensely painful reality of the physical loss of their baby, while also maintaining a continuing bond with this their deceased child. The relationship therefore is changed, changed irrevocably, but not ended. It takes time, guidance and support to understand these ‘theories’ in the felt sense of living day by day in the reality of grief.

“Grief is the proof of our love, a demonstration of how deeply we have allowed another to touch us.”

~ Elizabeth Lesser

Dignity Therapy is a brief form of psychotherapy that attends to the psychological, spiritual and existential distress people often face in coming to terms with a life limiting illness and facing their end of life.

Dignity Therapy was developed by Dr. Harvey Chochinov a global leader in palliative care, at the university of Manitoba, following decades of work and research, examining how to maintain dignity for those facing their end of life journey.

Dignity Therapy involves 5 sessions:

1. Introductory interview explaining Dignity therapy, building rapport, getting to know the person facing their life’s end and getting a sense of what is important to them.
2. Second meeting includes an hour long recorded interview during which the therapist asks open ended questions encouraging the patient to talk about what matters most to them. It gives the person facing their end of life a chance to record the meaningful aspects of their lives and leave behind a legacy document that can benefit their loved ones in the future.
3. The third meeting involves reviewing the transcribed document with the person allowing for edits or additional recordings.
4. The therapist then works on the document over a couple of hours shaping it and formatting it in accordance with the Dignity Therapy protocol.
5. The final meeting is when the therapist shares the printed document to the person for his/her safe keeping, reflecting with them the shared experience. Many choose to share the document with family and friends.

Feedback from patients experience who completed Dignity Therapy, from Dr Chochinov’s research work www.dignityincare.com.

• “It’s helped bring my memories, thoughts and feelings into perspective instead of all jumbled emotions running through my head. The most important thing has been that I’m able to leave a sort of ‘insight’ of myself for my husband and children and all my family and friends.”
• “Dignity Therapy was a lovely experience. Getting down on paper what I thought was a dull, boring life really opened my eyes to how much I really have done.”

Family members perspective:

• “I think the Dignity Therapy truly helped him feel as though he were doing something useful and to be able to leave behind a part of himself. That in turn has helped myself and the children as it is almost like receiving a special gift of his words that we can have for our lifetime.”

Sessions are preferably done in person, but option of virtual platform can be discussed if/as needed.

“Imagine how things would be if we could live our lives infusing them with sacred meaning; if our end-of-life care were always lit by a sense of awe in the face of death; and if we looked on life and death themselves as an inseparable whole…”

~ Tibetan Book of Living & Dying

Spirituality refers to the domain of human existence that lies beyond the material. Those aspects of life that give a sense of meaning, connection and hope. According to Christine Longaker (Author of Facing Death and Finding Hope) as human beings we have 4 core universal spiritual needs:

• To experience a genuine connection with others.
• To transform our suffering
• To find meaning in life and hope in death
• To find refuge or a source of peace

To attend to the universal needs of the dying, Danai Papadatou, a professor of psychology at the University of Athens, outlines three tools required of those who wish to effectively companion the dying:

• One must be willing to share the journey, and perhaps more importantly, one must be invited in on that journey.
• One must have the necessary skill set to facilitate the transformation of suffering and promote meaningful living
• One must give up striving ‘to fix’ problems

To be midwife to the dying means remaining a steadfast presence to the inevitable labour pains of suffering. It is a very privileged place to be called upon to be present. Having an understanding of the emotional and spiritual journey being undertaken is imperative, in order to support and guide the grieving loved ones at the bedside. It is a time of heartfelt attention to what is being felt in the room, communicating silently with the person who is dying and calling forth their ancestors in spirit to aid in their transition.

“Real Care of the sick and dying does not begin with costly procedures, but with the simple gift of affection and love. In the practice of healing, a kind heart is as valuable as medical training, because it is the source of happiness for both oneself and others.”

~ The Dalai Lama.

Shamanic practice varies among many cultures and traditions worldwide, the use of drums/rattles to achieve a higher state of awareness is universal in its practice. The Shamanic practitioner through sound percussion enters a a trance like state, (referred to by Michael Harner as a shamanic state of consciousness) and becomes ‘the seer’ in non ordinary reality.

Shamanism is a tool which allows the practitioner to work with those transpersonal forces we call spirit. Illness and ‘dis-ease’ in the body is understood in shamanic practice as resulting from a loss of power. In response the shamanic practitioner aims to restore lost power to the individual who seeks healing, utilising various practices such as Power animal Retrieval, Extraction work as well as Soul Retrieval. Psycopomp work is a tool used by the shamanic practitioner to facilitate the journey of those who have died, helping only when needed to aid their transition to the light after physical death.

Research by medical anthropologist Alberto Villoldo, who has been studying Shamanic healing practices among indigenous people of the Amazon and Andes for more than 25 years, emphasizes the fluidity a Shaman has between the human world and the world of spirit. The Shaman in this instance is one who mediates between the visible world of form and matter, and the invisible world of energy and spirit.

“You are embraced by the love of the universe and the helping spirits. Open your heart to the love, wisdom, and healing they have to share. In doing so you can not only change your own life but the changes in consciousness we can achieve together through shamanic journeying can transform the world as well.”

~ Sandra Ingerman; Shamanic Journeying

Reiki (pronounced ray-key) is a spiritual healing art. It was rediscovered at the end of the 19th Century by a Japanese scholar, Mikaomi Usui. It translates as Universal Life Force Energy.

Reiki helps restore harmony, balance and wellness. It reinforces the body’s natural ability to heal on all levels. When energy flows there is a balance within the recipient and the energy field around them.

Reiki is a non-intrusive healing practice. The Reiki practitioner lays his/her hands on the client. The client remains fully dressed lying down or sitting on a chair. It can be received by anyone at any stage of life and is not associated with religions or belief systems.

Seichem (pronounced say-keem) works in the same way as Reiki, with hands placed on the body and in the aura around the body. Healing also comes through the eyes and voice of the practitioner. Seichem is made up of Earth (Reiki), Air, Fire and Water energies.

The four elements are drawn together in the treatment. Greater results are generally achieved faster and with longer lasting effect when Reiki and Seichem are combined.